When I announced our pregnancy, I also mentioned that we had to wait a little longer than we were expecting, and that we had gone through a miscarriage too.
About 2 years ago I made that "big bro" shirt for Eli to tell Dallin about a little one we were expecting. We were just so excited. Infertility has always been a fear of mine, and seeing that positive pregnancy test, especially since it was pretty soon after we started trying for another baby, came with a lot of relief that -- at least this time -- I could tuck that fear away.
Then, unfortunately, I miscarried. That loss was absolutely heartbreaking. I can understand why miscarriage isn't really talked about so often, or at least why I didn't really feel like sharing it for a long time. It felt (and still feels) so personal, a loss that I know affected me more than anyone, except for maybe Dallin.
Physically, I was lucky to have no complications and my body was pretty much able to handle everything without any interventions. I had about a week of terrible cramps, and probably pushed the limits on my ibuprofen + heating pad usage, but I feel really grateful that my recovery was so smooth and fairly quick.
Emotionally, however, it really took a toll on me. I loved that baby I lost. It was so much more to me than just a pregnancy, or a mass of tissue. It was a baby. My baby. One day I was happily planning for a new little one, and the next day it was gone.
I felt so empty, especially as the months started to pass and I still wasn't able to get pregnant. While I know a year and a half is short compared to how long infertility has lasted for many of my friends, it felt like it was never-ending, especially since the wait started out with a miscarriage. At times I wondered if I'd ever see a positive pregnancy test.
I was very proactive during that time too, not just waiting for it to happen. I tracked and charted my fertility signs daily, took my basal temperature religiously every morning, went through too many ovulation (and pregnancy) tests to count, and had started dipping my toes into some infertility treatments with my doctor. In some ways I think all that charting wasn't very good for my mental health, and while I do think having that info helped us be successful in the end, it made me a little obsessive. Having my mind on the subject so much also made it harder to see everyone around me getting pregnant or having babies, especially the ones that were around the same age as the baby I'd lost would have been. (They'd be a year old next month, by the way.)
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| This photo is from the day I miscarried, not long after I got home from the hospital. Sweet little Eli could tell something wasn't right, and snuggled up to me, looking up and touching my face every few minutes. I love this boy. |
There are a few reasons why I wanted to share our story. First of all, one of the things I struggled with was feeling like people didn't really understand what I was going through. I wish I had known of more people close to me who had gone through a miscarriage that would get it, you know? So if you need someone to listen who has been there, know that you can get in touch.
The second reason is related to the first. I know people had the very best of intentions, and that they just really wanted to make me feel better, but there were so many comments made that ranged from unhelpful to really hurtful. I plan on making this a separate post with some suggestions on what to do/say when someone miscarries, but the main point I want to make here is this: don't try to minimize loss or grief, whether it's someone else's or your own.
I think that applies to any kind of hardship. A loss is a loss. Grief is grief. It's not helpful to compare challenges or try to comfort someone by downplaying whatever it is they are struggling with, or to not let yourself fully grieve. There are lots of things this experience has taught me, and one of those is to be more kind, more understanding, more aware of others. Having this private struggle has made me more sensitive to whatever "sorrow that the eye can't see" that those around me might be dealing with. And for that I am thankful.
I'm also thankful for our wiggly little girl that we get to meet in 3.5 short months. Being a mom is my favorite, and I can't wait to have another set of squishy cheeks in my house to kiss all day.
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